%
Why is Eve considered the first computer operator?
    She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
%
Did you hear about the programmer whose doctor told him he needed more
    exercise, so he started to roll his own joints?
%
What kind of cookies do computers like?
    Chocolate chip.
%
A software salesman was cooling his heels in the outer office of the
    president of a major computer company. Just as he was about to be
    granted an audience, an old Gypsy woman was ushered in ahead of him.
    "What's she doing here?" complained the salesman.
    "Oh," replied the secretary, "Mr. Craig only brings her in for the
       really important decisions."
%
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car
salesman?
    The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
%
The office manager called IBM and said, "You've got to come in and fix
our computer."
    "What seems to be the problem?" asked the service technician.
    "Someone dropped a rubber band into it and it's been making snap
        decisions all morning."
%
A computer is an electronic device that will never replace office workers
    until it learns how to spread gossip and laugh at the boss's jokes.
%
How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Two. One to do it and one to tell him he's doing it wrong.
%
Have you heard about the new computer from Mexico?
    You get salsa with your chips.
%
What did the Indians use to make their computers?
    Buffalo chips.
%
A computer is an invention that will never be the equal of a man until it
    can put the blame for its mistakes on some other computer.
%
Cheer for High-Tech High:
    Hip hip hooray, for the ultra-violet and photo-gray.
%
King Abdul Omar Al Hassani, the wealthiest oil potentate in the world,
    decided to take his eight-year-old son to Disney World in Florida.
        The King and the young prince left the Middle East, and when they
    arrived in Tampa, the boy said, "Father, this was a wonderful flight.
    I really like this airplane."
        So the king bought the huge jet right on the spot for the little
    boy. He had United paint over their logo and prepare it for the
    flight home.
        As they drove toward Disney World, the youngster spotted some men
    playing golf. "Oh, Father," said the boy, "that is something I would
    really like to do." King Hassani picked up the limousine phone and
    immediately purchased the entire golf club for his darling son.
        They finally arrived at Disney World and the eight-year-old was
    ecstatic. As they walked around, the boy said, "Oh, Father, please!
    I want a Mickey Mouse outfit!"
    So the king bought him IBM.
%
Teacher to pupil:  "This homework is a disgrace. I'd like to see a note
    from your computer.
%
What's a computer's favorite munchie?
    Chips and dip.
%
SILICON SERENADE
    "Somewhere over the RAMbow"
%
What do they use in computers in Idaho?
    Potato chips.
%
A computer is a machine that can solve all kinds of numerical problems,
    except how to adjust the date of a woman's birth to her present age.
%
Want to have some fun? Send your record club a subscription from the
    book club and send the book club a subscription from your record
    club. Then see if the two computers can work out the billing.
%
Which is faster, a computer or a human being?
    Wait -- let me think about that one.
%
What do you get if you cross a computer with a TV newscaster?
    A Hairy Reasoner.
%
Did you know the Cray Two is so fast it can do an infinite loop in
    two and a half seconds?
%
SIGN ON A MAINFRAME:
    Beware of computer - it bytes.
%
Which way did the programmer go?
    He went data way.
%
Why did the robot eat quarters at noon?
    It was his lunch money.
%
Have you heard the new computer song?
    It's called "My Heart Belongs to Data."
%
Did you hear about the new Chinese computer?
    An hour later you have to program it again.
%
Did you hear about the updated version of the three R's?
    Readin', 'ritin', and replacin' batteries in the calculator.
%
Why was the computer salesman the most popular man at the disco?
    He had a big Wang.
%
What do you get if you're not good to your Apple?
    A crab Apple.
%
"What's the big deal about computers?"
    "A computer is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
        mistake every time you repeat it."
%
A computer is a machine that will never replace men entirely until it
    learns how to strike for shorter hours.
%
BUMPER STICKER
    Old Programmers Never Die...
    They Just Lose Their Memories.
%
Abigail was having a hard time operating her desktop computer. It was
    apparent she had reached the end of her patience when she muttered
    at the screen, "I know one thing. If I had a glass face like yours,
    I'd sure behave better."
%
"I got a terrific deal on our new computer monitor," Harold explained
    to his wife. "The salesman said I'd get used to the red screen and
    purple characters in no time at all."
%
Did you hear about the new computer that's so human that on Monday
    mornings it comes in late?
%
There's another in California that's so human that when it goes down,
    they give it wine coolers and vitamin C.
%
A computer is a machine that works faster than people because it never
    stops to answer the telephone.
%
Manager to old woman in a computerized department:
   "But Miss Krumm, you can't retire. You're the only one who knows how
       to spell!"
%
Did you hear about the computer that drinks?
    They're calling it Uniswacked!
%
COMPUTER PROGRAMMING PRINCIPLES
    1. The computer never makes mistakes.
    2. If the computer makes a mistake, see rule number 1.
%
Why do computers like human beings?
    Why do you think?  Human beings turn them on!
%           
Larsen stormed into the office with a worried look on his face. "The
    computer's broken down!" he exclaimed.  "Does anybody remember how
    to think?"
%
A bank robber decided to knock over a fully computerized bank. He pushed
    a note into the automatic teller machine that read:  "Put the money in
    the bag, sucker, or I'll blow your circuits out!"
        The machine shoved back this message:  "Straighten your tie,
    sucker.  I'm taking your picture."
%
"It's qute simple, really," said the chiropractor to his patient. "You've
    been sitting in front of the computer so long, you've developed a
    floppy disk."
%
A computer Nerd is a guy who knows 147 technically possible ways to have
    sex but doesn't know any women.
%            
What do you call the fastest computer in the world?
    A presto digitator.
%
Before Gordon Cooper ascended in his memorable flight into space, he was
    approached by a reporter and asked, "How do you feel?"
    "Terrible," replied the astronaut. "I'm worried."
    "But look what you're doing for your country, your family, posterity.
        What've you got to be worried about?"
    Said Cooper, "There are one thousand gadgets in this computer, and
        each one has been made by the lowest bidder."
%
Should you be afraid of a computerized dog?
    No. It's bark is worse than it's byte.
%
What do you get when you cross a computer with a Doberman?
    A computer that pees on fire hydrants.
%
What happens if you punch your computer?
    It goes down for the count.
%
Why did the computer go to the shoe store?
    To get rebooted.
%
A computer is a machine that can figure out all kinds of problems except
    the things in this world that just don't add up.
%
What do programmers have in common with spies?
    They both write in code.
%
What's black and white and red all over?
    A computer printout from Russia.
%
The new computer was attempting to translate from English into Russian.
    It was doing fine until the operator typed in "Out of Sight, Out of
    Mind."
    The Russian translation: "Invisible Insanity."
%
The Russians have developed a microcomputer that they brag is the
    biggest micorcomputer in the world.
%
Why did the computer go to the grocery store?
    To buy some cheese for its mouse.
%
What do you get when you cross an Ocelot with an alligator?
    An oscillator.
%
The dating computer was very active that day. A tall, handsome six-footer
    stood in front of it. "I'm a millionaire," he bragged. "I have twenty
    oil wells, a gold mine, and I run five banks." So the computer mugged
    him.
%
They tried an experiment at the university. All dates to the dance were
    arranged by a computer. after a tough evening, one student remarked
    to another, "What a frightening experience to find out just what you
    deserve."
%
Archie came back from the computer dating office. He told his roommate,
    "I asked for someone on the small side who's into water sports,
        formal dress, and doesn't talk too much."
    "So what happened?"
    "They fixed me up with a penguin."
%
Man with woman at a marriage counslers office:
    "We'd like to get married, but her system is not IBM compatible."
%
In a local Health, Education and Welfare office, a stack of punch cards
    was placed into a computerized sorting machine. The computer was then
    set to divide the cards according to sex. The result was five stacks
    of cards.
%
Gloria was lamenting her relationships with men who were in the computer
    business. "They all seem intelligent and stimulating," she said, "but
    none of them can make love."
    First there was the salesman who always promised but could never
    deliver. "But," he said, "you'll love it when you get it."
        Next was the service technician who always said, "I know it looks
    bleak now, but don't worry, it'll be up tomorrow."
        Finally, she dated a software engineer who created a detailed
    flowchart of the lovemaking process and them announced, "Frankly,
    I think you should just implement this yourself."
%
A computer takes the guesswork out of it....but so does a bikini.
%
A loser is a gut whose computer dating service sends him the number of
    dial-a-prayer.
%
How do computers meet each other?
    Through computer dating services.
%
Did you hear about the two computers that couldn't get together because
    of religious differences?
    She's AC and he's DC.
%
What do you call a girl who'd rather be with her computer than her
    boyfriend?
    An infomaniac.
%
Dexter sat down in the psychiatrist's office. "Now then," said the
    shrink, "what is it that brings you here?"
        "Doctor, you've got to help me. I've fallen in love with my
    computer. I realize, though, that I can't marry her."
    "Well, I'm glad that you haven't lost your sense of reality."
    "Oh, it could never work out," said Dexter, "She wants a career."
%
There are many computer dating services these days. What's their purpose?
    Friendchip and courtchip.
%
The office was closed. Employees had all left for the day. The building
    was deserted. On the tenth floor, a male computer whispered to a 
    female computer, "Wow! Nice set of bits!"
%
What's the difference between an engineer and a mathematician?
        One of each was posted at one end of a one-hundred-foot hallway.
    At the other end was a great looking Sports Illustrated swimsuit
    model.
        Rules: First one to reach the girl could have a date with her.
    The only restriction was that they were to advance in increments
    equal to half the remaining distance.
        The mathematician turned and walked away because he knew he
    couldn't reach her.
        The engineer started forward immediately because he knew he could
    get close enough for all practical purposes.
%
How do computers spend Saturday nights?
    They go out on datas, of course.
%
Doreen, a computer programmer with a new boyfriend, was looking for ways
    to tell other suitors she was no longer available. "It's easy," said
    a coworker. "Just say that your mode is single but your field option
    is taken."
%
JUST A MATTER OF TIME
An electronic brain sitting in a cocktail lounge, telling a well-
    stacked computer: "Nobody understands me."
%
Why was William Tell's son electrocuted?
    He forgot to unplug the Apple before his father shot it off of his
    head!
%
How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Only one if he can get a program written for it.
%
What do you get when you cross a computer with a parrot?
    A computer that breaks down because its circuits are full of cracker
    crumbs.
%
DATA PROCESSOR'S LICENSE PLATE
    ICALQL8
%
Did you hear about the new female computer?
    You don't have to ask it anything.  It tells you anyhow.
%
The mathematical wizards crowded before the great computer at the
    Techinical Institute. "It's a mistake!" exclaimed one scientist. "No
    question of it.  The computer made a mistake!"
        The assembled geniuses passed the readout tapes around,
    calculating, frowning, scrutinizing.
        After a full hour of bafflement, the laboratory chief exclaimed,
    "Gentlemen, don't be discouraged. Do you realize it would take 6,300
    mathematicians, working 14 hours a day, over 346 years to make a
    mistake like this?"
%
What do you get when you cross a computer with an alligator?
    Either snappy answers or a computer with a byte.
%          
Why was Isaac Newton knocked unconcious?
    An Apple fell on his head.
%
Children are learning to use computers younger and younger. One company
    has a new model for babies:  Strained Apple.
%
Do computers have good table manners?
    Yes.  They take very small bytes.
     
What do you get when you cross a computer with an onion?
    Either a computer with a bad overflow problem, or answers that bring
    tears to your eyes.
%
Why was the computer cranky?
    It was out of sorts.
%
How do computers choose their meals?
    From menus, naturally!
%
There's a computer repair school in San Francisco where the tuition is
    pretty steep. It costs you about three thousand dollars to learn to
    repair a system, so when you graduate, you have to repair at least
    three computers before you break even.
%           
What do you call an aging programmer?
    An old softie.
%
Why couldn't the computer find the information it was looking for?
    It had a sloppy disk.
%
How many computers does it take to stop an oncoming semi?
    As many as possible.
%
There was a computer whose curse
Was to give every statemnet in verse.
  While some were just lewd,
  And others quite rude,
The login message was worse.
%
What do you get when you cross a computer with a rabbit?
    A computer that jumps to conclusions.
%
Why did the computer come down from the chair?
    A cat ate its mouse.
%
           
                        KEYBOARD PRAYER               
                                                              
             Our   Program   who   art  in   memory,  
             Hello  be   thy  name.   Thy  Operating  
             System  come,  thy  Commands  be  done,  
             at the Printer as  it is on the screen.  
             Give us  this day  our daily data,  and  
             forgive us our I/O Errors as we forgive  
             those whose  Logic Circuits are faulty.  
             Lead  us  not  into  frustration,   and  
             deliver us from Power Surges. For Thine  
             is the Algorithm,  the Application, and  
             the Solution, looping forever and ever.  
             Return.                                  
            
%
BROADWAY SHOW TITLE
    On a Clear Disk, You Can Seek Forever.
%
Did you hear about the bank computer that went down so often they
    nicknamed it the Titanic?
%
ADAM'S APPLE
    First speech synthesizer.
%
Where do robots keep their valuables?
    In data banks.
%
Why couldn't the robot go for a swim?
    He went a few months ago and now he's a little rusty.
%
Crandall walked into a computer store and asked the salesman, "Do you
    have a good used monitor for sale?"
        "Yes, Sir," said the salesman. "Here's a screen that's hardly
    been used. It belonged to a little old lady with weak eyes.
%
Did you hear about the fully automated bank in Detroit?
    A fellow sent it a card saying "This is a holdup," and the computer
    mailed the guy $200,00 in unmarked bills.
%
I saved money on my PC by buying it on a "Blue Light Special." Now I
    realize PC stands for piece of crap.
%
My new computer brochure says it's "user friendly." If you believe that,
    you believe Qaddafi is the Welcome Wagon.
%
I bought a computer to help me manage my money and household finances.
    It's so reassuring to input my info once a month and have the
    computer tell me, "You are still broke."
           
Miss Kozinski, the secretary of a Michigan co pany, was given a word
    processor. The Polish girl couldn't use it after a week. The screen
    was cover with white-out.
%
What is a Polish word processor?
    Two Hungarians with crayons and a Czech who knows how to spell.
%
What do you get when you cross an orchestra leader with a midget?
    A semiconductor.
%
What does IBM stand for?
    It's Better Manually.
%
"We're getting closer," said the guy from Research and Development. "This
    computer writes like Picasso and paints like Shakespeare."
%
Healey went to a doctor and explained that his wife was constantly
    nagging him about his vanishing potency. The doctor performed
    surgery, providing Healey with a computerized penile implant. A month
    later, Healey returned.
        "The implant is terrific," he said. "I've been doing it six,
    seven times a night."
    "Wonderful," replied the physician. "What does your wife say
    about your lovemaking now?"
        "I don't know!" said Healey. "I haven't been home yet."
%
Melissa was thrilled when she landed her first computer programming
    position. Her husband, Skip, although he knew nothing about the
    field, welcomed her at the door after the first day, inquiring, "What
    did you do at work today?"
        He listened intently as she explained in great detail about her
    eight hours of COBOL, binary code, and JCL errors.
        When she arrived home the next evening, Skip was once again at
    the front door. "So," he greeted her, "what did you have for lunch
    today?"
%
The newlyweds were undressing together for the first time in their hotel
    bedroom. The groom saw the bride looking at him appraisingly and,
    with an attempt at manly pride, puffed out his chest and beat on it
    saying, "A hundred and ninety pounds of solid mainframe."
        "Yeah," said the bride, "with a little floppy disk!"
%
Marlene was trying to get her husband to buy a computer but he didn't
    like the idea.
        "What?" he roared. "Me buy a computer? Do you think computers
        grow on trees?"
        "Don't be silly," she said. "Everyone knows they come from
    plants."
%
Why did the married computers get a divorce?
    They kept getting Type Mismatch messages on their screens.
%
Woman with a child talking to another woman with a child.
    "My Michael is bilingual. He also speaks Computerese."
%
Barton, a New York bachelor iving on West 79th Street, took his computer
    to a place on York Avenue tha tadvertised twenty-four-hour service.
        "When should I pick it up?" he asked.
        "Next Thursday," said the man.
        "A week from today?" snapped Barton. "I thought you said you had
    twenty-four-hour service."
        "We do," said the repairman. "We work eight hours Monday, Eight
    hours Tuesday, and eight hours Wednesday."
                 
Why won't computers ever replace newspapers?
    Have you ever tried to swat a fly with a computer?
%
What do you call a monastic that works on integrated circuits?
    A chipmonk.
%
What do you call a robot ape?
    A chipanzee.
%
What do you get when you cross a computer with a blender?
    A mixed solution.
%
What kind of PC does a woman carry in her purse?
    A Compacqt.
%
What do you get when you cross an IBM with a comedian?
    Buddy Hacker.
%
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees.
    That would set them back some.
%
A word processor is a typewriter without bread crumbs.
   
What do you get when you cross a computer with a midget?
    A short circuit.
%
Businessman with a new computer talking to his secretary:
    "It does data processing, word processing, and list processing. Get
    me some dates, some words, and some lists."
%
How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None. That's a hardware problem.
%
What back problems do computers have?
    Slipped disks.
%
What's a computer's most common dental problem?
    Overbyte.
%
Where did the Bionic Man go to college?
    Solid State.
%
Trying to sell his newest computer to Barrett, a young businessman, the
    salesman invited his skeptical client to ask it a question. The
    executive sat down and typed out his query: "Where is my father?"
    The machine rapidly printed the reply: "Your father is fishing in
    Michigan."
        "This contraption doesn't knw what it's talking about," bellowed
    Barrett. "My father's been dead for twenty years."
        Certain that his creation was infallible, the saleman suggested,
    "Why don't you try the same question in a different form?"
        Barrett typed: "Where is my mother's husband?"
        The computer answered: "Your mother's husband has been dead for
    twenty years. Your father just landed a three-pound trout."
%
What's a sure sign of old age in a computer?
    Loss of memory.
%
How does a computer die?
    It comes down with a terminal illness.
%
Old Mrs. Vanderhof walked into the credit department at American Express
    and demanded, "I don't care to bandy words with underlings about my
    overdue account. Take me to your computer."
%
A new senior citizen software package:
    It reminds you what you had for breakfast, tells you what year it is,
    tells you how many grandchildren you have, lists each one's name and
    current address, and shows you whether or not you have a pulse.
           
What's a computer's favorite song?
    Thanks for the Memory.
%
COMPUTER MOVIE
    Love at First Byte.
%
Why did they fire the computer that worked at the sanitary department?
    Garbage in, garbage out.
%
What did the computer say about its illness when it got better?
    "Boy, that really knocked me for a loop."
%
Did you hear about the agnostic hacker?
        He hocked everything he owned to builds his home computer into
    the world's most powerful machine. Then he plugged it into every data
    bank, let it invade every library, and had it read every book.
    Finally he typed in the question:
        "Computer, is there a god?"
        The computer flashed, the screen flickered, and finally finally
    the machine responded: "There is now!"
%
    God was speaking to Moses.
        "I'm going to give you the Ten Commandments on two tablets," said
        the Almighty.
        "Thank you," said Moses.
        "I would have given them to you on software, but I didn't know
    whether you had an Apple or an IBM!"
%
BUMPER STICKER
    Computer Operators Do It With Hard Drives
%
A computer had just been installed in a company and the boss was a
    nervous wreck worrying about it. One afternoon he approached a
    secretary sitting in formt of the monitor doing her nails.
        "Why isn't that computer working?" he snapped.
        The woman replied, "The little person inside is taking a coffee
    break."
%
ODE TO THE COMPUTER
    We shall have to design
    Computers galore
    Since each problem they solve
    Creates ten million more.
%
    The Dugans were having dinner.
        "Remember the salesman who said I could learn to use the computer
    in two weeks?" asked the husband.
        "Yes, Dear," said the wife.
        "He got the bill wrong, too."
%
How many computer salesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    I'll get back to you.
%
Walsh and Reese, two computer salesmen, were sipping morning coffee.
    "What's the latest dope on PCs?" asked Walsh.
    "My son," replied Reese.
%
When is a computer most ungrateful?
    When it byte the hand that feeds it.
%
CONSULTANT
    Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.
           
A fellow had trouble with his head. A team of brain surgeons agreed to
    remove his brain, examine it, then put it back later. They performed
    the operation, but when they came to put his brain back, he wasn't
    there. The man had disappeared. A month later he returned to the
    happy doctors.
        "Where have you been since we removed your brain?"
        "I became a consultant at Hewlett-Packard."
%
Feldman, the sales manager, stood before an assembled group in a
    corporate conference room. They were there to observe a demonstration
    of his company's state-of-the-art computer.
        The rep's screen blurred and rolled. His attempt at a tele-
    communication link failed. Feldman phoned his company for help, but
    his liason was gone for the day. That's when he faced the group and
    said, "this concludes my demonstration of our competitor's product.
    Next week I'll come back and show you ours."
%
LAMENT OF A SPEED FREAK
A trillionth of a second here, a trillionith of a second there. These
    damned delays will kill you.
%
What's the difference between computers and the Titanic?
    The Titanic had entertainment.
%
Have you noticed that there have been fewer office parties this year? Who
    wants to kiss a computer?
%
How do you make a computer laugh?
    Tell it a programmer joke.
%
What sould you do with a computer that's a year old?
    Wish it happy birthday.
%
What does the computer wipe its feet on?
    Its format.
%
Where are computer soldiers stationed?
    In a Fortran.
%
An Apple a day may keep the doctor away, but not the IRS.
  
"You guys in microprocessor manufacturing must be making a fortune!"
    "Don't be nuts! The only people making money these days are the ones
    selling computer paper!"
%
The average hacker is thirty-six around the chest, forty around the
    waist, ninety-eight around the golf course, and a nuisance around the
    house.
%
Many Pharmaceutical firms supply drugstores with order forms listing
    products and their costs. When one company neglected to do this
    despite repeated requests, an employee attached this note to an
    order: "Your computer and I have been having communication problems.
    If you no longer sullpy order forms, please let us know...that is, if
    you still employ real people."
        With the next delivery there was this note: "Enclosed please find
    six order forms. Please forgive the delay. Yes, we still employ
    people. Therein lies the problem." Signed, "IBM 402."
%
Henderson, who was running for mayor, visited an office where they had
    several computers set up to monitor the election returns. A woman
    came up with the estimated results and said, "the computer says you
    will win, but personally it would not vote for you."
    
Pierce walked into the house in a state of total exhaustion. "Darling,"
    exclaimed his wife, "you look terrible. What's the matter?"
        "It was a terrible day at the office, Dear," he replied. "The
    computer broke down and we all had to think."
%
A computer is a machine that performs complex calculations in one ten-
    thousandth of a second -- and mails out statements ten days late.
%
A Kansas City mother shouted at her son, "Why is your floppy disk on the
    davenport?"
    The boy replied, "What's a davenport?"
%
What do you call a transsexual nun?
    A transsister.
%
MENU MOTTO
The program that never failed on your last computer will never run on
    your current computer.
%
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
    A five-ton know-it-all.
%
"When two are served, you may begin to eat"

                        - Gene Futterman

