Don't do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Their tastes might be different.

Credo quia absurdum est: I believe it because it is absurd.

Est natura hominum novitatis avida: It is the nature of man to long for novelty.

One man's idea of cruel and unusual punishment is another man's idea of a great weekend.

Death: To stop sinning suddenly.

Whoever says a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush ain't been puttin' his bird in the right bush!

Killing two birds with one stone is never advisable if you want the birds alive.

The early bird gets the worm.
On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten by the bird.

It is better to ask forgiveness after the fact than permission before.

It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.     -J.R.R. Tolkein

"There is an old illusion - it is called good and evil."     --Nietszche

"It is always the best policy to speak the truth-unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar."    --Jerome K. Jerome

Censors are people who know more than they think you ought to.

Desperate times call for cheap shots.

Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for lunch.

If at first you don't succeed, pull the pin and run!

Never argue with the fellow that packs your parachute.

If ignorance is no excuse, what good is it?

Bill of Rights: Void where prohibited by law.

A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.

Bungee jumping offers all the thrill of killing yourself with none of the commitment.

What's the big deal about gays in the military? I think gays have the right to shoot foreigners, too!

God is not dead.  He is alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.

I am a firm believer in my right to do anything I cannot be stopped from doing.

Support your local police.  Beat yourself up.

At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day.

An optimist can never be pleasantly surprised.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's vice-versa.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

All irked out and no one to strangle.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Life is a tragedy to those who feel, a comedy to those who think.

Subtlety is wasted on the dense.

"Quand la morale triomphe, il se passe des choses tres vilaines." (When morals triumph, many very evil things happen.)  --Remy de Gourmont

I'm too demented for just one person...I should be twins...

If it ain't broke, then give ME a shot at it!

Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied. --Byrne

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults in adultery?

Love a lesbian. You usually get two friends for the price of one.

Sociopathic apathy: I'd kill you if I cared...

Next time you wave at me, use ALL of your fingers!

Don't knock on the Gates of Hell; ring the doorbell, it drives them crazy.

You can't be a pervert!  I'm a pervert, and you're never at any of the meetings.

PMS allows a woman, once a month, to act like men do EVERY DAY.

Happiness is finding your mother-in-law's picture on a milk carton.

Tis better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with a jerk!

I spent most of my money on women and beer. The rest I wasted.

Go into the street and give one man a lecture on morality and another a dollar, and see which will respect you most.

Oh, I'm sorry, were the voices in my head bothering you?

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Where are we going? Why am I in this handbasket?

Oblivion: An escape from everyday mindlessness.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

"The passions become evil and insidious when they are considered evil and insidious."  --Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Ambiguity is the Devil's toothpick.

There are two kinds of people in the world--those who stand up and face the music, and those who run for cover. Cover's better.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Sometimes I think, Well, but then again, I don't know.

Gravity isn't my fault! I voted for velcro.

File not found. I'll load something *I* think is interesting.

I don't have an attitude; people are just annoying.

I'm just here for moral support. Ignore the gun.

This is more fun than premeditated hit and run with locomotives.

A day without sunshine is like night.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

The world is like a cactus except the pricks are inside.

Sects, Sects, Sects! Is that all you monks think about?

It's always darkest just before you step on the cat.

Support your local coroner... die strangely!

Anything that kills you makes you... well, dead.

It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.

"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced."  --Frank Zappa

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." --Steven Wright

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

The American Non-Sequitur Society--we don't make sense, but we do like pizza.

I had no shoes and I wept. Then I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Hey, man, got any shoes you're not using?"

It's you and me against the world--when do we attack?

A real friend isn't someone you use once and throw away. A real friend is someone you can use again and again.

There is no substitute for good manners except fast reflexes.

Being weird isn't enough.

Bureaucrats cut red tape---lengthwise.

Chaotic amorals have more fun.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes on the roof and gets stuck.

History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.

If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win any arguments?

Ignorance is bliss, but it'll never replace sex.

Only borrow from pessimists. They don't expect to get paid back.

Passing directly from barbarism to decadance.

The worst thing about censorship is it desensitizes people to violence -- censorship IS violence.

Yield to temptation---it may not pass your way again.

I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to.

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs,  the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, pound the table and yell like hell.

If the first person who answers the phone cannot answer your question, then it's a bureaucracy.

If you had any last night-smile!

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

Indecision is the basis of flexibility.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

Love thy neighbor, but be sure her husband is out of town.

My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring!

Never sleep with someone crazier than yourself.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Moderation is for monks.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet pain on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.

Two's company, three's an orgy.

Unicorns aren't mythical; virgins are!!

Virginity can be cured...

This place is enough to give an aspirin a headache.

There's nothing wrong with most people that reasoning with them won't aggravate.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

Chaste makes waste.

The wages of sin are unreported.

New York now leads the world's cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make any sudden moves.

Fatigue (n): A biological signal indicating the body's desire to be addicted to amphetamines.

Science has invented a perfect aphrodisiac. Unfortunately, it only works on bugs.

She offered her honor. He honored her offer. And all night long he was on her and off her.

History is made at night.  Character is what you are in the dark.

Punk Medicine - Take two of anything and call anyone you want.

Sometimes, when your cat is washing himself, he will stop and stare at you as if he just remembered someting.

Given the proper element of surprise, a goldfish can beat the hell out of a gorilla.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. 

Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 

Do it today. Tomorrow it will be illegal. 

Things worth having are worth cheating for. 

Let him who is stoned cast the first sin. 

Women should be obscene and not heard. 

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 

It is better to  kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.

If it takes one man and one woman nine months to make a baby, putting nine men on the job gets it done no faster. But, depending on how friendly the woman is with the nine men, it could be a whole lot more fun.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

Thoreau's Law:
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

The unnatural, that too is natural. --Goethe

Birth, Copulation, and Death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks.

Whenever A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon B', A' is most likely a scoundrel.
--H. L. Mencken

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

Boren's Law: When in doubt, mumble.

A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.

What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.

Zen riddle: What happens to your fist when you open your hand?

The more you know, the less you think you know.

Superstition sees the Finger of God even in trivialities.

Science is supposedly the method by which we stand on the shoulders of those who came before us. In computer science, we are all standing on each others' feet.

A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it's like to be wet.

When a man is treated like a beast, he says: after all, I'm human. When he behaves like a beast, he says: after all, I'm only human.

You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.

Civilization is an exercise in masochism by most, in sadism by few.

If you can keep your head while all about you, others are losing theirs...perhaps you're the executioner.

I respect Faith, but Doubt is what gets you an education.

Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness," but it doesn't work.   --Gallagher

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.

... Wreck the malls with cows on Harleys ...

"All's fair in love and war" - What a contemptible lie!

Another genius thwarted by an incapable assistant.

Backwards ran the sentences until reeled the mind.

Love is what's left over after skepticism is applied to feeling.

"Justice" is a search for workable customs.

"Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you."  --Beelzebub.

"Press to test." <click> "Release to detonate."

Sorry, my mind has a few bad sectors.

First rule of marriage: If you're right, apologize fast.

2 ears, 1 mouth, use in that order and you'll do fine.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

640k = 4480 in dog bytes.

A bachelor enjoys the chase but doesn't eat the game.

A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.

A bigot will not reason; a fool cannot reason; a slave dare not reason.

A friend is a person who knows you and still likes you.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A TRUE friend is someone who will help you move...a BODY.

A gun gives you the body, not the bird.

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and <occupant>.

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

A mule dressed in a tuxedo is still a mule.

A nudist has no reason to fear a pickpocket.

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

A whippersnapper has nothing to do with sex? Drat!

A wholesome mind is wasted potential.

American Sign Language has 15 signs for stupidity; 3 for smart.

Abandon the search for truth: settle on a good fantasy.

Actions are neither as good nor as evil as impulses.

Actions are usually right, but the reasons seldom are.

Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.

All I want is a hot woman, cold beer and unlimited power.

All great truths began as blasphemies.

All life is a conjugation of the verb "to eat."

An accommodating vice is better than an obstinate virtue.

Animal attraction: here for hunger or for love.

Anticipate temptation, then be selective.

Anyone can hate. It costs to love.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Anything you say can and will be used against you. Over and over.

Art for art's sake is a philosophy of the well-fed.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

Bachelor: A guy who has cheated a woman out of a divorce.

Bachelorhood should be taxed; such happiness is valuable.

Blaming others can become a satisfying way of life.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

Casual Sex: When a body meets a body o're a pint of rye...

Celibacy isn't hereditary. Your children force it on you.

Charcoal, lighter fluid and a match ought to fix this.

Charm: A way to get "yes" without asking a question.

Check your seatbelt. I wanna try something...

Claiming mental bankruptcy is always an easy option.

Dear Santa, I want a copy of your list of naughty girls.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.

Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.

Everybody lies about sex.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

Facing the facts makes it hard to get up in the morning.

Fact of life #15: Heads bleed, walls don't.

Few things upset my wife. Glad I'm one of them.

Folks who have no vices have few virtues.

Go thou and sin more creatively next time!

Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.

Grab 'em by the short hair, get a sexual harrassment suit!

Gravity always wins.

Greed is good, greed works.

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

HONK if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a Truck!

Happiness is mandatory....Are you happy?

Happiness is no laughing matter.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Hasten to laugh at everything, or later you may weep.

Have an affair. It will break up the monogamy.

Have you been sleeping in strange beds?

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned.

Hire the morally handicapped.

I went into a deli. I ordered a sub. I was disappointed.

Any day when you're looking down at the dirt instead of up at the dirt is a good day.

Humans sin by omission as well as commission.

Hunting is no fun when the rabbit has the gun.

I don't just tempt fate - I give it the finger.

I feel better than James Brown... how do you feel?

I have the simplest of tastes. The best is satisfactory.

I kinda like the feel of a couple extra feet in my bed.

I prefer wicked over foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.

If it appeals to everyone, evangelists will target it.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular??

If marriage were illegal, only outlaws would have inlaws

If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head.

If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.

If you kiss and make up, fight with the opposite sex.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast...

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

It all hinges on your definition of a "good time."

It's been too quiet. Let's go bomb someone.

Kinky is feathers...perverted is the whole chicken.

Light sleeper sleeps with light on; hard sleeper...

